my phone needs a breathalizer
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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