How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
