i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize