whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
