Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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