I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize