I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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