I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sorry my hands just texted you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
