he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
