Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
