I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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