I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
