you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
