Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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