I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
