you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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