The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
