Swine flu is the new snow day.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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