I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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