Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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