I just made out with a guy for $7.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
