As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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