What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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