seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
