If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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