I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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