His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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