Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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