Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
