thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I want is dick and wine.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
