Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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