My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
