You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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