Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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