i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
