she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
