im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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