thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
