FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
