Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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