when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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