Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
