The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize