i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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