I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize