I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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