No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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