Don't make out with my wife yet
I faked an abortion last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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