Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
