I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
