What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
