I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
