Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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