sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hippo gnu deer
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
