Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
