Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
