Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
