Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
